Oops! Ten Reasons Why Texas Is Better Off Without Rick Perry

Taylor Jones / Cagle CartoonsBarely 24 hours have passed since this comedian/writer informed you of the fact that the state of Texas and its Republicans do not want Rick Perry to run in 2016. But even as Republicans and the state of Texas are trying to shake off the trauma of another possible Republican Texas governor running for president again, Rick Perry still had a commanding lead over Khaleesi-from-Game-Of-Thrones-like Democratic state senator, Wendy Davis, in a hypothetical match-up. So one really has to wonder if the Mimbo/Josh Brolin playing George W. Bush look-a-like is flouting the liberal-biased polls and getting the clown car ready for another presidential run. After all, his announcement from earlier today had the trappings of a future presidential run.

But ladies from all over Texas can dance around in their pink sneakers, as they no longer have to fight messy and contentious custody battles over their uterus now that Perry won’t be seeking another term. The world of comedy, still in intensive rehab over the loss of Michele Bachmann, will definitely have to extend its rehab a bit longer. But the fact that Rick Perry will not seek reelection in 2014 means democracy may once again be able to exist in Texas without needing a biohazard suit.

So here’s a look at the top ten reasons why Texas will not miss Rick Perry:

1. Presided over more executions than any governor in history despite being staunchly “pro-life,” which really just means he will give you a comfy pillow when he executes you.

2. Rampant deregulation and complete and utter immunity for corporations, which  led to the explosion of the West Texas fertilizer plant.

3. Decried evil government socialism and wanted to gut FEMA, yet conveniently begged the Kenya Socialist for federal assistance following the fertilizer plant explosion.

4. In 2009, Perry railed against Congress’s recovery package, even advocating that Texas reject the money because “we can take care of ourselves,” and guns, boots, spurs…Hells Yeah! But months later, Perry was miraculously able to balance the state’s budget with the aid of billions in federal stimulus dollars.  

5. During one of the gazillion nationally televised 2012 Republican presidential debates, he made himself look like a 5-year-old who just dropped his juice box in the sandbox  when he said “Oops”  following his inability to remember which government agency (EPA) he wanted to gut.

6. Brazenly and repeatedly denied climate change (or God’s morning breath to conservatives), calling it a “contrived phony mess and a scam to make money.

7. Either absent or simply cleaning his guns during science classes and civics lessons regarding America being a secular nation with a “wall of separation,” Gov. Perry implored Texas residents who were suffering from intense heat during a major drought in 2011 to simply “pray for rain.

8. Had the dubious of honor as being one the most strident evolution deniers in the 2012 inane clown posse, and called evolution, “just a theory that’s out there.”

9.  Had another “Oops” moment when he didn’t know how many Supreme Court Justices there were.

10. Proudly behind one of the most stringent and restrictive abortion bills in the country and, in fact, may have been motivated by personal reasons after it was revealed that his own sister could profit tremendously if the anti-choice bill passed.

Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook, and like NJ Laughing Liberally Lab if you love political humor from a progressive point-of-view. Seriously, follow him or he’ll send you a photo of Rush Limbaugh bending over in a thong.

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