We Can't Imagine What's In Mitt Romney's Tax Returns -- But Let's Try

The Almighty is smiling on Democrats today.  This morning Mitt Romney doubled (or is it tripled or quadrupled by now) down on his promise not to release any more of his tax returns.

For several days now I've felt that whatever is in Mitt's returns, it can't possibly be as bad as the things we can (and will!) imagine might be in there.  It should be noted that prominent Republican experts do not agree with me on this point.  They say what's in Mitt's tax returns must be really bad or he'd release them and stop the bleeding ...

MATT DOWD: There is obviously something because if there was nothing there he would say have it…But I think the bigger thing is, it’s arrogance. Many of these politicians think I can do this, I can get away with this.

STEPHANAPOULOS …[George Will] You are nodding your head at that.

GEORGE WILL: Absolutely. Mitt Romney has said he has released all that’s necessary for people to understand “something” about my finances. Now “something” is a pregnant word… The costs of not releasing the returns are clear, therefore he must have calculated there are higher costs to releasing them.

Even slimy GOP insiders like Rick Tyler are openly speculating Romney must have something bad to hide in those returns.  Where there's smoke, there's fire, you know.

"There's clearly a problem with the tax returns otherwise he would release, you know, ten years of tax returns. He's only released one year of tax returns. That's a problem."

However, just for fun, let's try to imagine what might be found in the tax returns Mitt Romney isn't going to release.  Other people are already speculating ...

1. Extremely high levels of income.
2. More offshore accounts.
3. Politically explosive investments
4. A very, very low tax rate.

... why should we miss all the fun?  I'll start out and y'all feel free to jump in in the comments section.  What bad news could be lurking in Mitt Romney's secret tax returns?

• Hefty contributions to Planned Parenthood, PETA, and the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence.
• The Romney's made a bundle off the dot com boom -- while everyone else lost their shirts.  And the housing boom.  And all the other booms where John and Jane Q. Public lost their shirts.  It's what vulture capitalists do.
• Sen. Harry Reid suggested this one:  Mitt has been paying zero taxes, just like all those freeloader working people GOPers love to gripe about.
• More offshoring of jobs.  Mitt invested in slave labor camps in China.  Also North Korea.  And the Northern Mariana Islands -- the brothel investments there were especially lucrative.
• Currency manipulation.  Not only was Mitt using offshore entites to bet against the dollar, his fingerprints are all over the Icelandic bank crisis ... and you know that little problem they're having in Greece?  Yep.  Mitt.

All this is pure speculation, of course, which is all we can do until Mitt Romney releases the actual details of his financial dealings -- which he owes America since he's running on his record as a financial whiz.  But if the powers that be continue to smile on Democrats, that release won't come for a long, long time.