A Better Bible: Blessed Are the God-Fearing and Money-Making

Never mind all that peacey touchy feely commie stuff.

Listen up, you who are the “best of the public.” Andy Schlafly, founder of Conservapedia.com and (presumably virgin) offspring of Phyllis, is seeking to wrest the language of the Bible from the capitalism-hating hands of "the untaught and the unstable" and rewrite it "without corruption by liberal bias."

Take that story where the mob surrounds a woman accused of adultery and gets ready to stone her, but Jesus intervenes and says, “He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone” (John 7:53-8:11). It might have been a later addition that wasn’t in the original Gospels, according to some right-thinking, or rather right-leaning scholars. So the editors have excised this bleeding-heart favorite from the Good Book, and they’ve also removed Jesus’ words on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Thus, a crowd-sourced translation that accepts the logic of hell, utilizes free-market parables, isn't emasculated by "'gender inclusive' language and other feminist distortions," and "uses powerful new conservative terms to capture better the original intent," like "volunteer" rather than the Socialist-sounding "comrade." The revised version is likewise v-e-r-y careful with wussy concepts like "forgiveness" and "peace." Because freedom.

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