"These things are selling like hot cakes," said Rand Triggersmith, CEO of AR-10000 maker Happy Firearms, "and you should see some of the people we sell them to. I wouldn't trust a lot of these people with a hammer."
Noting that he sells high-powered firearms to questionable people at gun shows across the country, weapons dealer Frank Obliviun cautions Americans to arm themselves. "At every show I go to I sell high-capacity assault weapons to folks I would not want on the same planet with my children. Just yesterday I sold enough firepower to start a small war to a guy who was so twitchy he could barely get his wallet out."
Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, said that NRA memberships arm "the monsters and the predators of the world" as fast as they can, therfore the only sensible move is for good guys to arm themselves even faster.
"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun," LaPierre said at a news conference Friday morning.
LaPierre went on to suggest that in response to the murder of 20 small children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, CT a week ago, every school should be guarded with the weapons and ammunition sold by NRA members.
"The truth is that our society is populated by an unknown number of genuine monsters, people that are so deranged, so evil, so possessed by voices and driven by demons that no sane person can ever possibly comprehend them," LaPierre said.
He said that these same deranged monsters are a major target market for NRA's biggest donor organizations, providing fat profits for these gun producers which they are plowing back into development of even more deadly firearms. "You should see some of the things the boys in development are working on now, once these start flying off the table-tops at gun shows where these lunatics can scoop them up with no more than a fake ID drawn in crayon, the average person is going to be defenseless. Counting on that pathetic Glock you are packing today to protect you tomorrow is going to be like spitting into a lead hurricane. Responsible parents should be up-arming themselves and their toddlers on at most a semi-annual basis just to keep pace."
On the topic of school violence and the risk presented to and by the youth of the nation, Triggersmith said, "The guns we recommend for pre-school guards have to be better than the ones we sell to psychopathic killers, so we suggest childcare administrators consider our new Hose-eomatic Dreamline Peacekeeper series mounted 50 calibers. These babies can cut a schoolbus right in half and are beyond the budget for most mass killers."
Obliviun added that the guards themselves should not be entirely trusted given the talent pool they are drawn from. "A lot of these school rent-a-cops are going to be folks who couldn't pass a police entry exam, and some of them may be about to snap themselves. For this reason we are suggesting that every school administrator be armed with a weapon that can stop their guards when their internal springs go off. The principle at my Bessy's school is an elderly woman, for example, so I am recommending to her an AR-15 with a grenade launcher and armoring-piercing rounds. You know, something she can heft that still has the stopping power of a Navy Seal."
LaPierre added a comment on the logical progression of the NRA recommendations, pointing to the need for even more effective personal protection across the entire family and academic customer base.
"And let us not forget that most teachers and school administrators are a bunch of wilting-lillies and liberal elitists who are as likely as not to present a threat to student safety themselves, either through inaction under fire, poor marksmanship or the kinds of emotional outbursts these kinds of pencil-necks are prone to."
Pointing to his own family's steps to ensure the protection of their children, LaPierre listed the products used by his five, 13 and 16 year-old children. "Our little girl is just starting kindergarten so we got her a sweet little derringer with a spring-loaded wrist holster, just in case old Mrs. Worsterson - her teacher - snaps. Some parents give magnums to their little ones, but Sabrina's gun could be in her hand and firing before the old bag or some other rotten kid can get their weapon to bear."
For their teenage sons, LaPierre and his wife do provide magnums, he said. "The boys have strong arms so we fit them out with handguns with serious punch. Marky has been getting crap from the guard at his school, so we decided to upgrade him to hollow point slugs and higher grain-count loads. Sammy has always been eager and has spent his entire childhood perfecting his headshots, so we load his backpack with ammunition more suited to one-bullet-one-kill situations."
Indeed, as was pointed out by all three men throughout the media event, the products produced by NRA members are crucial for self-protection at every intersection of human interaction.
"My little boy, he has anger problems," said Obliviun from beneath the brim of his unusually large cowboy hat. "The wife and I sometimes don't know what that little dickens is going to do or say from moment to moment, so neither of us is without at least one 9mm piece when we are all home together. I keep a loaded Sig-Sauer in my bedside table, a Glock under my pillow and a Colt .357 in my right hand when I sleep, just in case the scamp shows up in our room at night."
The future, the NRA said, is a well-armed one. They committed on behalf of the weapons manufacturers and dealers who they represent to continue producing lethal products capable of giving innocent Americans a decent chance of surviving encounters with their criminal customers. "Remember, guns don't kill people, people kill people," LaPierre said in summary, quoting the NRA's popular tagline. "And our membership sells a shitload of heavy firepower to people that you wouldn't trust to walk your dog. You are definitely not safe walking around under-armed as long as those sorts of folks keep buying the products that are making all us folks rich."
This has been a Read-Between-the-Lines report, brought to you by the Motley Moose.