Well, who knows what the conservatives are thinking--in the wake of Justice Roberts flipping like a blueberry pancake to increase the power of government.
But here's what I think is happening, in a de-bugged office somewhere in D.C.--
BOEHNER: Okay, so what, who cares. It's not like we really wanted smaller government anyway.
CANTOR: That's it?! That's you're "rapid response messaging" after the health care decision? We can't go on Limbaugh and say that.
BOEHNER: I'm so, so tired...so very tired...
CANTOR: Wake up! We're in danger of losing the whole medicine show here. You could end up back in your father's bar again mopping the floor, if we can't spin out of this thing. (to other Republicans)--look through the papers, the internet, the editorials. There's gotta be something there we can use--
BACHMANN: Oooo, look! Here's an article from some guy at the American Enterprise Intitute!
CANTOR: The American Enterprise Institute? That the steam room where conservative ideas are baked until they're ripe and ready to emit. Good going, Michele! What does he say we should do?
BACHMANN: (ready) Well...he's like, totally on our side...
BACHMANN: He thinks the decision's a lot of big government hooey..
CANTOR: Good, good, but what does he think we should do?
BACHMANN: He thinks we should...hmm...
CANTOR: C'mon, spill it!
BACHMANN: This conservative guy from the American Enterprise Institute thinks that the way that Republicans and conservatives can beat the Democrats on the Obamacare is... to come up with a credible alternative to Obamacare.
BOEHNER: You're s*****g me. He wrote that? He printed that?
BACHMANN: Yeah, it's right here, I'll read it to you. Listen:
(BACHMANN reads to the congressmen:)
Conservatives should have used the time that the court was deliberating to formulate attractive legislative proposals to both repeal and replace this unpopular law.
But they didn't.
BOEHNER: What? What the hell does he think we've been doing the past two years, the past ten years, the past twenty years--sitting around with our thumbs up our keisters? That's all we've done is offer alternative proposals--
BACHMANN: I've been telling people about my plan for years, it's a private sector alternative--
MITT ROMNEY (entering room, glass of champagne in hand):--where all the little private sector pixie people deliver health care coverage to everyone with stardust, and then we all dance around the fairy mushroom ring and sing elf songs.
You guys don't get it. This brainiac from the American Enterprise Institute say we have to come with credible alternatives to Obamacare.
ROMNEY: Credible, a real plan that's been tested and shown to work. Not one of your right wing Fantasy Island plans that feature a little private sector Herve Villechaise in a little white suit pointing at the sky and yelling "de plane! de plane!," as if that's gonna pay anyone's hospital bills.
CANTOR: So...what this conservative guy (who wrote a whole book about how bad Obamacare is) is saying...is that for all these decades that we've been debating the health care costs issue...Republicans haven't come up with any plan that's credible, compared to Obamacare?
ROMNEY: That's what he means, Congressman Gump. And in case you missed it, he also says that that's what you should have been working on, all along.
CANTOR: Why that little--
MICHELE: I was working on a credible plan all along! Jesus came unto me one night in a room in the Hyatt and said--
ROMNEY: Save that angle for the right crowd, sister. We're gonna need all the Jesus stuff we can get this fall. (sighs) Go ahead. Finish reading the editorial. What does this conservative pundit say we need, in this credible alternative to Obamacare we're supposed to pitch?
BACHMANN: Well...he says here...oh my goodness...
BOEHNER: What is it? Her eyes are poppin'...
BACHMANN: He says...
A better plan (than Obamacare) would include a combination of defined-contribution financing of taxpayer subsidies (for Medicare, Medicaid and private insurance, respectively), and a restructuring of the healthcare safety net to protect the most vulnerable individuals and their families (with such things as high-risk pools, protection against restrictions on coverage of pre-existing conditions for those who have maintained continuous insurance coverage).
CANTOR: But...that is Obamacare.
BOEHNER: He's accusing conservatives of doing noting but stall on the health care crisis...for decades...and then he tells us to propose Obamacare as a credible alternative to Obamacare. You know what? I'm seriously thinking about becoming a Democrat.
BACHMANN: I just can't believe they found Obamacare constitutional.
ROMNEY: Don't say it that way, Michele! NEVER say it that way, never say "Obamacare is constitutional" or "Obamacare was found to be constitutional!"
BACHMANN: But I've got to talk about it, Mr. Romney. People are going to expect to see me on TV this week, talking about the decision, I can't just grin with my big choppers and stare mindlessly into the camera.
HANNITY: (sniggers) She's right, we've had quite enough of that.
ROVE: (slapping him with his riding crop) Shut up, no-brow, you're discouraging her. (to MICHELE) Here's how you say it. Instead of saying "Obamacare is constitutional," you say this: "Obamacare has not been found unconstitutional."
HANNITY: What? Nobody talks like that!
ROMNEY: You're dead wrong about that, hairline. Just yesterday United States Senator used that exact phrase instead of saying "Obamacare is constitutional." Look at this. This is Senator John Barrasso of Wyoming. He say:
..the health care law was not ruled unconstitutional...
HANNITY AND BACHMANN: Wow!
ROMNEY: It would have been easy for him to cave in to reality and acknowledge it with "Obamacare is constitutional." But this Republican stepped up his game, he got creative, and goddammit he came up with a clumsy circumlocution when we really needed one.
HANNITY: The man's a hero. We got twenty five aging blonde newscasters in tight skirts whose little surgically enhanced heads are going to explode on television if they have to say "Obamacare is constitutional" on the air. (writing it down) This Senator just saved their lives. From now on all the spokesmodel newswomen at our network will say "Obamacare was not ruled unconstitutional" instead of "Obamacare is constitutional."
BACHMANN: I don't know...it's kinda...hard to say. "Obamacare is not been found to be unconstitutional..."
ROMNEY: The fact that it's clumsy is a plus! If it's a hard to say, our suckers won't even talk about it. (puts his head in his hands) That's the best possible outcome, right now. I'll bet each of you ten grand on it. (pulls out stack of banded bills to show them, spreads it and fans himself with it.)
BACHMANN: (to herself) "Obamacare is...unconstitutional, but...it has not been found to be so"... "Unconstitutional, Obamacare has not be found to be..." "It has not been found to be unconstitutional, has Obamacare, but... but what? What comes after that?
ROMNEY: (looking up at her) I'd like to outsource you, you know that?